I will Fall..

Change of Scenery

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 15:23:45 GMT

Just thought I'd vent here for a bit...

I just re-read my last entry and I hate to say that I'm still at this damn job!! Job searching is such a pain in the ass, draining and discouraging. I'm giving up until the new year. Maybe my luck will change then..

I'm in a mood today.. little cranky, frustrated, and feeling just a little down. The crankiness is because I sat in an hour and a half of traffic this morning. I don't know what it was... maybe people were driving like snails b/c they thought the roads would be icey or something. Whatever, it sucks! I was 30mins late for work.

I'm frustrated b/c I want/need to do christmas shopping but I have bills to pay which sadly take priority. I also have to be careful b/c I'll have to pay rent at the end of Dec. It all just sucks. I've been complaining about money for years, nothings changed.

The little down feeling comes from a combination of the two above and is also art related. I'm suppose to be showing some art at a cafe throughout January. At first I was incredibly excited b/c its a great opportunity to make a little extra money and just to get your name out there. Now-- after looking at some of what I've done, and what I was trying to work on last night, I feel like nothing I have is good enough to display. I worry that I'll be embarrassing myself. I'm not a professional artist.. just some girl who likes to play around with paint. If I had more time, I'd be able to really work on few select pieces, but I feel like I'm rushing myself to get as much done as possible, and the consequence is having nothing to show for it.

I know I need to stop being so hard on myself, and to stop thinking so much about it. As someone told me, "it's art, not math." I guess it's just scary putting yourself out there. It's one thing for friends and family to see what you do.. I don't know.

I think my expectations of my "skill" and "talent" is greater than I'm capable of achieving. That's how I feel sometimes at least. I look at other people's work and get discouraged rather than inspired. I know I really just need to work more at it. Even talent needs practice.

I think I'm also a bit down b/c Jim's been working Over-Time almost every single night since last week, so I've hardly seen him. I talk to him more on AIM than anywhere else. He gets in around 2am, I'm in bed. Maybe I'm just being needy, but it'd be nice to have an actual conversation with him, maybe then I wouldn't be whining about stuff here!!

So it's been about 3 months since Jim and I moved in together and honestly things are good. The hardest part is the OT thing.. living with someone and practically seeing them as much as you did before living together is strange. We haven't had any major arguments, haven't wanted to kill eachother. Nothing like that. We both slack off and get lazy at times, but we both also get things done when they need to be done and without one needing to ask the other. It seems like a healthy balance so far. I'm very happy with our living situation and the way things are going. Now, if only I could find a job closer to home, life could be close to perfect.

Well I guess I should pretend to look busy here at work....

Not Long Enough

Tue, 29 May 2007 13:34:00 GMT

So I just came home (yesterday) from a great weekend at the shore. A group of us stayed at Grandma's house for the holiday weekend, for the last time before they sell it. It was a great 3 days.. just what I needed.. no stress or frustration all weekend long. Just sun, sand, and sleeping in. It was very much needed and enjoyed! Just wish it had been longer...

Vacations are almost depressing... cause you're having this great, relaxing time... then you come home to reality, to bills, to stress, to aggrivation, to a job you hate.. and it all almost seems worse because of the stress-free time you just had.

I'm in another one of my moods today.. I also blame pms... but I'm just very tired, and not wanting to associate with anyone today. I would be content not having to speak at all today. I'm also already worried over bills, as usual.... but now that its getting hot out, that means the AC units will used... and that stresses me out horribly. Like we need to increase the cost of our bills!! I couldn't help myself; yesterday as soon as I walked in the door I knew the the AC unit was on... and that it probably had been ALL freaking day. It was hot yesterday, but there was actually a nice cool breeze blowing. All they needed to do was open up the house, and maybe bring a fan downstairs... the AC wasn't needed. They may not mind paying an additional $50+ a month towards electric, but I do... especially when they have an AC unit in their bedroom and I don't. Grr... it's not fair that I should have to pay towards their comfort and luxury. I know I'm a penny pincher... but I also know that all 3 of us can't afford much more than we already are paying monthly.

Half the time they live as if I'm not there anyway.. so if they want to forget that they have a 3rd roommate then they can pay as if its just the two of them. Looks like we'll be having a nice family meeting tonight...

Man, can I ever get enough sleep to feel rested? I feel like my eyes are half open.

August is 2 months away. We're still looking for an apartment. We have one in mind.. and next weekend we'll be going to another area to check out some places. So hopefully after next weekend, we'll have a place selected. It's all coming up so fast. May came and went so quickly.

I can't wait to move.. but I also know that moving and living with Jim will come with new stresses and road bumps... I know it's not an escape from my current frustrations, and I'm not looking for it to be that way. It's just definitely time for Steph, Kevin and I to go our seperate ways. I just hope I can make it 3 more months without losing my freakin mind!! I'm still learning how to say what's on my mind rather than harboring it...I have to break my habit of keeping things inside long enough to make me flip out one day. I need to say things as soon as they become an issue instead of waiting and waiting then losing it and having an attitude and being a bitch! Although, Kevin should be used to bitchy women by now... haha.

Enough procrastinating... gotta get to work.. bleh... i need to get out of here too.. time for a total life make over!

Happy Birthday to Me...

Another I Hate Life Kind of Day

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 13:54:06 GMT

Yesterday was a good day.. today is a blah day.

I'm just so irritated over stupid shit, and it really all just stems back to one thing-- money, and not ever having enough, even just to get by.

Buying cat food because an ordeal. We try to alternate who buys stuff that's used by everyone. It seems that it should be Steph's turn by now...but she claims she paid Kevin for the last bag he bought, and that he bought the one before that.. so now it's my turn. Its so fucking stupid.. it's fucking cat food... and it's becoming an issue!!

I become even more irritated when my landlord continues to hold on to my rent check. I sent it on the 6th of March. He should of had it no later than the 8th. He still hasnt cashed it. I had to call him last week to ask him to wait till this past Friday, because if he didn't it would have bounced. I'm now waiting on 3 bills to pay, because if I pay them, and he cashes it.. everything will bounce. I called him again yesterday asking when he was going to cash it. All 3 of thoses bills are due in 5 days. He said he would cash it yesterday. Hasn't shown up in my bank statement yet, but that just means it hasn't cleared yet. I'm worried now though because a check for the water bill that I forgot I sent out just cleared today. Hopefully my rent check doesn't clear until at least tomorrow, when I get paid. Otherwise, I'll bounce it. And what's worse... it's only like $7 difference! I'll get charged $30 for bouncing.. UGH!!! I hate our landlord and the way he holds on to checks for weeks. And I hate that I share my living space with people right now!!!

I'm also having another "I hate my job" day. Just the same dumbass shit.. nothing new. Just some days I don't mind, or care enough to dislike it.. but today.. I really dislike it.

I'm just so stressed and frustrated, and really all does just come down to money. It fucking sucks!!

I haven't slept well in like 2 weeks.

I can't wait till Jim and I in together. That will rid me of half my frustration. I'm sure money will also be a problem in my life. But living with Jim will actually save me money.. the places we are looking at are cheaper and include at least some utilities. As horrible as it sounds, I don't want to take the cats. I'd rather not split them up, and I'd rather not have the extra cost. I'm a horrible person...

I'm also debating if I should stop my BC or not. It's been great physically for me so far. with the exception of last month, where my usual moodiness and "depression" seemed to kick back in. If my body did get used to the hormones, than it's possible that it wouldn't help with some symptoms anymore. Unfortunately, the mood swings and the depression were the two reasons I went on Yasmin... if it's not helping for that anymore, why continue to pay $50 a month anymore. I could really use that money else where. I've also developed paranoia and anxiety it seems. I swear my hair has gotten thinner.. which some ladies have complained about as a side effect of Yasmin. I'm scared of my old pms symptoms worsening after I stop using it.. ugh. Everything just sucks! I think living with Steph and her problems with anxiety have rubbed off on me. I don't like it at all!

I wish it was August already.

Once we have an apartment picked out and our applications have been approved.. I'll start looking for jobs in that area, wherever it may be. Right now we are looking for something in the King of Prussia area. Out of Philly, still close to lots of things, closer to Jim's work and should have lots of job opps for me. Next step is a car. Just add on to the debt...

God damn I really don't want to be here. I feel like I'm going crazy!!

Ugh

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 21:14:18 GMT

Just venting...

I'm slightly annoyed at the moment....

I've needed to go grocery shopping for over a week now, Kevin has known this. I asked last week, while Steph was away, if he needed to make a trip to the store. He said, "I'd rather wait till Steph gets back since she buys different kinds of food now." I didn't realize when I asked that he would be shopping for Steph as well.. I assumed there would be things that he may need that she didn't. Moving on..

Steph is home now. I asked today if she thought they would need to go to the store soon. She says no, that they picked up some things the other night. This annoys and frustrates me. It annoys me.. NOT because "you guys should wait for me," because really they "shouldn't" have to.. they don't need to. It annoys only because Kevin knew I needed to go, and didn't even considered calling me up and saying, "Hey Jen, Steph and I are making a quick trip to the store.. do you need to go?" That would have been not only considerate.. but easy.

Not having a car really frustrates me in a dumb situation like this. I can't even do something as mundane as go grocery shopping. It's pathetic. Now I have to ask Jim to Taxi me there, then follow me around as I shop. Steph says we need to look at it as "extra time together." Yeah.. like grocery shopping is spending quality time together. And not to get all sappy.. but this weekend makes one year for us being together... I don't think grocery shopping is really how I want to spend our anniversary!! I know.. I'm being a total baby right now.. as I said, I'm just venting.

There are moments throughout the days where I realize how much I can't wait to live just with Jim.

I just not only need a car, but also the ability to pay for the extra expenses having a car would bring. At the very least, I need one of those old lady carts. Then I'd just walk to the damn store myself.

Never Ending Cycle

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 16:31:23 GMT

For some reason I'm in down mood today. I had a great weekend. Maybe that's why... having a great weekend, then having to come to a job you strongly dislike. Ever since I got back from Christmas vacation coming in to work seems worse then it ever used to. Everyday day here now feels like a constant reminder that I wasted my time at school, and went to college for the wrong thing.

I know I complain about the same thing all the time. I know I have ability to change my situation. Fear has a part to do with my hesitation to leave here just yet. Fear of landing another job and being even worse at this design thing than I think I am. I know I can't stay here though. Bottom line- I'm just not happy here, at all really. I have nothing to show for the time I've put in. I'm in the same place I was 2 months after I started, and Ive been here almost a year. There's no room to grow.

In my spare time here, I should be designing my ass off. And one good thing about not being in school, is 100% artistic freedom! With no teachers telling me what to do, I could be designing whatever the hell I wanted. So why don't I? I think part of it is needing some amount of direction. A big part is simply that I lack the drive. You would think that not liking my job would give me motivation to add/improve my portfolio.. in hopes of landing a better job. I'm sure part of it is just laziness too.

I'm also very stressed out about money.. again. The one major loan payment I have seems to be increasing monthly. This month it's $188 and change. It's rediculous and makes me want to cry! There's no question now about whether or not I will be getting a second job. There seems no other option right now. I'm at a loss, don't know what else to do. It's going to suck.. but nothing else can be done. If I want to be able to save any money at all, and make all my payments with some money to spare for groceries and some fun time.. I have no choice. Hopefully I can find something during the week for 3 days or something so I don't have to give up my weekends.

God I hate this!

I get so discourage looking at other people's design work. I thought I was past that, but apparently not. I wish I could find a place that hired me for my art work rather than design!

I'll be showing some of my artwork at a cafe in/around October. Hopefully it will sell. And hopefully by then I'll have some more work done and can have more showings, maybe even commission a few jobs. One can dream! In the meantime, its something to work towards, and look forward to.

I just need to face my fear and start sending out resumes. How much longer can I stay here?!

I Strongly Dislike Rainy Mondays

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 16:09:54 GMT

So I'm browsing around on Craigslist and I realize.. I don't want to be a graphic designer! None of the ads on there were popping out at me, or getting me excited. I can't see myself enjoying the work. I don't know. Maybe it really is just this job that turns me off to this feild. Ugh. I wish I could find a job where I draw all day, or paint. A job where I don't have to wake up at 6:30am!! I think I need to search for a firm, or company where they are more illustration based design work. Maybe I'd be better there.

I've realized that I'll never get used to waking up at 6:30 in the morning. I'll never feel energetic waking at this hour, even if I do work out 4 times a week. I need at least 8 hours of sleep. I'd have to go to bed at 10pm to get 8 hours. I'm not tired by 11! I have to force myself to lay down. That doesn't help. I end up just laying there for an hour. Ugh again.

Last week was so much more do-able and it's because it was only a 4 day work week. The weekends are far too short. I know I've said this all before.

So..

Jim and I were talking over Christmas break. We are both ready to move on from the places we are currently living. It seems that it would work out best for each of us, if we got a place, just the two of us. His lease is up in September. Mine is up this March. I'm hoping our landlord agrees to a six month lease so that we can be out in September as well. That would be ideal. If not, then Jimmy will be moving in with us until the following March.

I'm excited at the idea already! For some reason I enjoy going to empty apartments and looking around, imagining where I would put everything! Maybe I should be a realitor! haha

So now I'm really trying to get something happening with my loans, some way to lessen the payments or defer them, something! I need to start putting money away.

My job search is also on again. Searching for the right company for me. *sigh* If only I knew what I really wanted to be doing.. it'd make the search so much easier!

I've been so careless here the last week. It's bad.. I know. But I can't help it. Well, I guess I could, I just don't want to. I don't care enough to! It's bad. I really don't want to get fired. I just wouldn't shed a tear if I did. Wrong attitude.. I know. I'm trying to think positive. But bottom line, I'm just not happy here.

My job has me in a rut. I don't like it!

I'm still considering a second job of some kind. I need the money, but I don't want to give up what little free-time I have. I was thinking of looking for a waitressing job for friday nights. But who would hire someone for just one day a week!??! And, I'd have to look for somewhere that would start me at 6pm. Most places close by 7pm. If I did work in a restaruant, I'd have to worry about how late I'd be there because trains and buses only run so late. UGH!! What a pain!! Maybe I could hostess somewhere. That's easy. work 6-10 or something a couple days a week.

Why can't things ever be simple?!!? Money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes things less stressful when you have it!

I miss my friends. I wish I had more friends in the city. I feel bad for Jim in a way. He is my social life. And on nights when he wants to hang out with his guy friends, he ends up feeling guilty cause I'm not doing anything at home! I'm lame!! Why did my only city friends all have to move!??! I need to get myself in a position where I can even meet people again.

I'm all talk. I keep saying I should take drawing classes at the school, but I don't. Why not? Cause I'm an ass. I don't know why.

Man, I wish I could just nap for an hour. That'd make such a big difference right now!!

Where's a Black Hole When You Need One?

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 20:09:04 GMT

I'm all mopey and blah today. I know it's just because I'm tired and haven't been getting enough sleep, but I'm gonna bitch anyway..

I never really want to be at work.. but there are days where I REALLY don't want to be at work. Today is one of those days! Just one of those days where nothing really seems to be going your way.. not that its necessarily a bad day.. just not going as you would like. That's my day today. Since I'm cranky everything seems a little worse than it normally would.

Too tired, freezing, pain behind my eye, unsatisfactory lunch, Jim seems to be unreachable today, I'm getting a zit! (I need to stop eating candy like it was popcorn or something) No work to do again, waiting on customers that I'm sure will put things off until Friday- when I should be leaving early and won't be able.. then they'll get mad at me when I'm on vacation next week and their product isn't ready yet!! Ugh.

I feel like I need to cry.. not that I'm going to.. but that I need to. It's been so long since I've actually cried.. I think my body needs to. Crying rids you of negative emotion!

I'm ready to go home for the holidays. Right now my biggest plan is to sleep! Forget presents.. give me a bed,a dark room, silence and just let me sleep.

My banana isn't lookin so good anymore.

Maybe I need a 4pm-12am job.

I don't know what to say. I've got 2 hours left of nothing to do. Maybe they're waiting till after the holidays to "let me go." Would that be bad? Yes and no. Unfortunately I have bills to pay. Oh.. that reminds me.. I need to call AES and lower my monthly payment.

I guess I'll go do that.

I'm Confused

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 18:47:17 GMT

When did joy trade places with depression and gloom? Oh. That's right... adulthood.

I'm being dramatic of course. It's just so hard to resist sometimes.. I can't help myself.

I'm still frustrated over bills and money of course. I think I'm going to "freeze" my account at the gym for a while until I can save or something. I don't want to close my account... I have the option to put it on hold for a while. I'm still trying to figure out a BC switch to save money. And I have to get to Cingular to find out if decreasing my text messages will significantly change my bill. And unless I stop bathing daily, and start living my candle light.. there's no other way for me to save money.

But... I'm not even bummed about my own financial crap. I'm upset over someone else's current change in employment status. I'm not mentioning names out of respect. But a certain someone was laid off recently. What shitty timing. Like the corporate fucks couldn't wait two more months. Assholes. This person is already just barely getting by, now they're dependent on an unemployment check that is only going to be HALF of what they were making! It's asburd. It makes me angry, and sad. Struggle, struggle struggle... make sacrafices for others, struggle some more.. then get kicked in the face for all your efforts. Thanks a bunch. I understand why people give up. It's exhausting, working so hard and never getting anywhere.

And I'm an ass. The first time in my life that I plan to vote and I forget that I'm not registared in Philly. And I obviously can't get home tonight! GRrr!!! Since I'm never downtown anymore, I missed all the people on the corners that get you to register.

Steph and I were discussing early some of "Rick 'the Dick' Santorum's" (as she called him!) views. I got a little heated.

How the hell is Birth Control harmful to society?? Really.. explain it to me please. Women who CHOOSE to take it know the health risks. And even those health risks only effect themselves, not people around them. Harmful to society?!!! Like a BC pill is right up there on the list of dangerous things with guns and matches!! Even if a person or child swallowed a pill accidently, it's not going to kill them. It's a hell of alot less harmful then the Bleach under your skin. He also insinuated that women who, again CHOOSE, to take birth control are skipping out on their responsibilties. Excuse me... but a woman who decides to take a contraceptive seems like a pretty RESPONSIBLE decision. If you know that you are not in a situation to properly raise a child... that seems pretty fucking responsible to me.

And.. "women who work are being selfish, even if it's to make ends meet." Kiss my ass Mr. Santorum!! Like most people want to work! If a woman's place is in the home then they better lower taxes, and increase wages significantly. Not all of us are pulling in the money you are.. Dick. What is this, 1950?? Times have changed my friend. I'd like to see him trade places with the average, blue-collar worker.. and see how things go.

I don't understand this man's brain. How can he be serious?!!? Do people actually agree with this guy?? I seriously hope not.

That's all I have to say about that. I haven't followed much more than the TV commercials for this election. But I just had to get that out of my system!

I've decided that waiting a year to send out resumes to other companies will probably not happen. If private brand is "seasonal" then maybe I am as well. And I'm not stick around to get laid off. So as soon as I have a decent cover letter together.. the hunt is on.

I have a little cold.. booo.. first of the season.

I've decided to paint over the canvas I currently have in progress. I'll probably start that this weekend if not early.

Going to see Borat tonight for $4. Sweet.
Seeing Jim when neither of us were sure we'd get to this week. Awesome.
Seeing Sara, and the ring, tomorrow. Nice.

Back to sitting aroung waiting for something to happen!

LOOK!! Here I am Again!

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 16:06:40 GMT

I don't know why I'm so down today. I'm gonna blame it on menstration. The BC helps, but I am on Antibiotics, which apparently effect the pills... so maybe they're not doing the job they normally do with my wacky emotions. I'm also extremely tired today, which could possibly be from the pills, or "flow" itself, or the gym.This whole week has seemed incredibly long. I'm so thankful that it's Friday and that I can sleep in tomorrow. I hate complaining all the time. I try to be upbeat. But today I'm failing at that.

I also woke up kinda bummed and for such a retarded reason. One thing I strongly dislike about my personality is my tendency to be totally irrational and rediculous in a relationship. Jim is up in NY at the moment, Thursday into today. Knowing that he was with friends he hasn't seen in a while and won't be able to see often, and that he would be having a good time, I didn't want to drag him away with a phone call.. so I sent a little good night text message, thinking that would be better, and that he would just send a quick one back. When I didn't get one a few minutes later, I figured there'd be one on my phone when I woke this morning. There wasn't.. and it bothered me. It's so stupid!! Why did I get upset over it?!!? Cause instantly I think, he's having too much fun to think about me, or be bothered with me. Why do I have to think such cynical things right away?!! I hate it!! I'm sure any guy I have been with, and Jim probably hate it just as much as I do, if not more! I'm not going to let it turn into a big thing, and be like "why didn't you text me back.. blah blah.. " but still.. it's so minor and dumb. I hate that I go straight to the worst possible scenerios in any situation. It's not healthy. I get retarded when he is out of town. At least I'm aware of it.. it's something I can work on. Texting instead of calling was one small step I took in improving myself. I have no reason not to trust him. I do trust him.. I just have a cynical, over-active imagination.

I despise every guy in my life that has ever decieved me in some way.. contributing to my lack of faith and trust!! Despise is a strong word... but I defintely feel negatively for them at this moment. Because of certain people that have crossed my path I now think the worst always. These stains on my past still effect me, and my relationships. Curse them!!

So what if he doesn't text me back when I expect him to?! It doesn't mean he's cuddled up in a bed with some other girl right!!? They were probably up until 5am drinking, and playing video games. He'll wake up at 1pm, slightly hung over and then I'll get a text! haha

My mood has strangley improved just a bit. Maybe I just needed to get that little burst of psycho out of me.

Once in a while, i have moments where I think somethings wrong. This is in ALL my relationships. But I don't know if it's fear or intuition. I think it's just me being over-analytical and paranoid. I'm working on that! Nothing happens to make me thing bad things.. it's just me wondering... does he really want to be with me, is he bored..and so on. I always read too much into every little thing said or done. I'm retarded that way.

I shouldn't even be blurting this out here. People will think I'm either crazy or in a bad relationship or something. It's more likely that I'm crazy! Good thing Jim doesn't read this.. haha! He'd run away screaming!! I just need someplace to vent....I'll probably be embarrassed about this entry later on when I'm feeling better! Oh well... gotta be able to laugh at yourself...

Anyway..

I'm not ready for the cold weather. I don't want it! I at least don't want to be out in it. Unless there is snow on the ground. I'll play in the snow. Work in the winter is not sounding appealing at all!

My neck is in major need of a massage.

Tomorrow I'm going Halloween shopping, and shopping with Jim for interview clothes. Sunday is Laura's Graduation party. Tonight I need to find something to do. I may lock myself in my room again and paint. I ruined one painting that I was working on. I was trying to make it look better.. and now it just looks worse. :( Oh well.. If I really hate it, I can always paint over the entire thing and start fresh. We shall see...

This entry is long enough.. guess I should try to do some actual work!

Wish I was Outside

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 16:46:35 GMT

It's been some time since I've updated this baby.. Myspace has taken over. I see that good old LJ has made some changes to fight the competition. I post so often on the other that I end up saying the same thing. I'm sure, even though a bit of time has passed, that the same will happen here.

As usual I'm very tired. Same thing as always.. waking up early, sitting behind a computer, being bored at my job, cheating on my gluten-free diet.. I feel like I hardly slept. It stinks. Some of it's my own fault. I'm also tired from the gym.

I'm not dropping lbs, but my pants do seem a bit baggier in places. So the gym is paying off! Tuesday nights are kickboxing. Wednesdays are my new days off.

I get a new monitor hopefully by the end of the week. The glare on this monitor hasn't been so bad lately, probably because of the change of seasons. But still.. new monitor! The trade show is over and I haven't heard too much about it yet. My phone hasn't been ringing and no e-mails pouring in.. it's probably too soon for too much to happen... but hopefully soon. I just dislike this job very much. There are good things about it.. but right now, the bad is out weighing the good. One of the sales man has contacted me with a new company. Great! I think to myself,, some actual work. But no... once again its a new company who just switched to our products but wants to keep the same art work. This blows for me cause now I just take the crappy design and mock it. And it blows when dumb sales man take crappy pictures of little images I can't see. If they're keeping the same art work, they should keep the same damn distributor... if you're switching distributors, then get new art work!! Or at least send the artist the image files so they don't have to waste their time trying to guess what is in the beaker on your ugly label!! Ugh... I just strongly dislike what I do here.

I've been irritable here at work, but also at home. I think I'm just getting to a point where I need my own space. Steph and Kevin are two of my favorite people..but I think I'm ready to not have roommates. Stupid things bother me. I have my idea of common sense.. and if something isn't done the way I think makes sense, I get annoyed. I shouldn't.. but I do. I should say something, but I don't.. well I've slowly started to.. like with the dishes and toilet paper... if you finish the roll-- replace it. Or throwing trash into a can with no bag in it! Blah.. I don't know. I'm just becoming particular. I don't think it's anal because it's not wacky, rediculous stuff.. it's common curtisy stuff, common sense!

On an up note... Things with Jim are great. I'm happier with him than I've ever been in a relationship! It's only been about 7 months that we've been together, which is sadly my longest relationship! I don't want to jynx anything or jump way ahead.. so all I'm saying is that I am very happy with him!!

We are both ready to get out of the city. Without making career decisions based on the other, we will probably both find jobs elsewhere within a year or so. Ideally I would like for us to make that move together. But.. as I just said.. I don't want to jump ahead, and I'm not saying that I'm ready to move in with him yet, but if things are still going well in another year, then for me, it's a possibility. I've open to moving ANYWHERE! I have no desired destination. If the job is right, then I'll go wherever the job is. And I believe that things will happen the way they should.

Even though the gap is small, the difference in our age could pose problems for us in the future. I'm not worrying about it or anything. I'm letting things happen on their own. Why spoil a great thing worrying?! But.. I'm not dumb. There is a good possibility that we will be ready for certain things at different points in our lives. I don't know why I'm even thinking about it yet.. I'm thinking ahead as if we've already been together for a couple years!! But I'm a girl.. and thinking ahead is what most girls do.. especially in relationships. I guess my point is.. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I know I've misjudged people's feelings for me before, but I really "feel" that Jim cares for me as much as I do for him. He's just not comfortable with mushy, serious stuff. I'm not either really.. I'm not good with all that cheesy, romantic talk. I wouldn't want him to tell me cheesy, corney things to make me feel special or loved.. I'd much rather "feel" it and know it by the way he is with me.. I guess I'm talk about body language!! I would say physically, but people would assume I mean sexual things.. and it's much more than that. We both get uncomfortable in those awkward serious moments!!

I'm really only getting into all this because I have alot of "free" time here!

Ugh.. one of the salesmen here is such a male pig.. and he thinks he's hilarious.. gives me the creeps...

I'm getting hungry and it's too early for lunch time!! Grr... need snacks!

Holidays are coming up. And my money seems to be deminishing constantly. Trying to find a cheap Halloween costume, maybe even something I would wear afterwards! We plan to go to Cliff's and I'm totally excited!! We haven't been out his way yet. That reminds me..I need to buy an air mattress for Jim and I. Step-mom already asked about Christmas plans. I'm sure we'll do our usual Christmas morning at home then drive up to NY, depending on weather. Who knows though.. things change so easily these days, especially the more people grow up. Jim's been invited to Christmas with my Dad and Step, that was surprising. They invited "the boyfriends." That's cool.. but I'm sure they only did cause they know the guys will have their own family things going on! Haha. Thanksgiving will be at our house again. I like when it's there. Jim is invited. He's not sure yet what his plans are... still time to plan.

I need to go shopping. I haven't bought anything for myself in a while! I need new long sleeved shirts really badly. It's getting cold out!! I don't have much money to spend.. but that's not like a huge splurge or anything.. its clothes for work and warmth!!

Man, I've been working back and forth on this entry for over an hour and it's really not about anything great! My labels are probably done in the Printing Room.. oh well..

I woke up and thought it was Wednesday this morning. That was depressing! But the day is moving along at a decent pace..

I guess I should give up on this and try and find some actual work to do. They're suppose to be installing hidden cameras one of these days.. won't be able to bull shit much longer!

Peace out.. is there even anyone still out there reading this??!

A Stranger

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 14:14:41 GMT

Ahh... another lovely Monday morning... bleh! Where's my bed?!?! I want sleep!!

I have an appointment with the oral surgeon today.. boo.. I dont want to go! But I must. I'm afraid! I hate dentists, theirs hands all in my mouth, trying to talk to me, pokin around in there with sharp objects.. it's just not right! And the bill... I don't want to go how much it will be! :(

I'm still worrying about bouncing some checks. Mr. Ross either hasn't yet received my rent, or he is holding on to the check. I just sent another loan check out, cause it's due by the end of the week.. don't need any late fees! And we're going grocery shopping tonight. Ick.. cutting it close!

I have to call Anne at the Glen about that damn referral check I'm still waiting for! Rediculous.. but I'm not giving up dammit!

So my Jimmy graduated Friday and I'm very proud of him! I'm glad I was there to celebrate with him and his family. We spent the rest of the weekend moving the rest of his stuff to the new apartment and unpacking. No more dorms.. yay! And a nice big comfy bed!!

So far I plan on coming home this weekend. My mother has the weekend off, so it seems like a good time. She'll be able to drive me one way. I have to watch my money.. so it's not definte yet.. between giving someone gas money or buying a bus ticket.. we'll see. Jim plans on traveling home as well.. see some friends, party a bit, relax. If he doesn't find a way there, I may drag him home with me!! haha.. we'll see. If he wants to come, that'd be cool.

I plan to spend my Monday at work researching some design companies. Start looking around for places I'd like to send my resume to once March-ish comes around. I'm debating on if I should send any out of state yet.. am I ready to leave Philly just yet? I'm not sure.

Philly's grown on me. But I don't want to stay here forever. I would like to live in a place where I don't smell urine when I walk down the street. But.. if I do move again.. I want it to be semi-perminent. And I know that Jim and I are only going on 7 months.. but ofcourse our relationship is a factor. This is the happiest I've ever been with anyone. And that is MASSIVE for me, considering my issues! haha.. issues with trust and boys!! February will make a year that we've lived where we are now. If Mr. Ross renews our lease, then I'll probably make it another year there before moving on from this area. If he doesn't want to renew.. then I'll worry about that if that happens. *Ding Dong*.. "Hey Jim, Rob, Kyle.. want another roommate!?" haha

Anything is possible at this point in my life. Which is great.. but also kinda scary, especially when you're indecisive like me!

Bleh, my stomach is churning, still.. woke me up at 5am. That's what I get for cheating and having chicken fingers! No more!!

I need a haircut. And our apartment needs a good cleaning.

I hope I don't puked on the Dentist today! Wish me luck...

You Think you Know..

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 13:39:26 GMT

... but you have no idea!

Here are some questions that I stole from Chuck!!

have you been through any major changes in the past 6 months?
- I guess you could say that.

If so...anything worth mentioning?
- New job, new house, new relationship

Are you with the person you thought you would be with a year ago?
- I am currently with someone that I had a little crush on since I met him, but didn't think that anything would come of it cause he's a big flirt and just figured he only saw me as a friend!! but it was a nice surprise when something finally did happen!

What kind of rep did you have in highschool (i.e. Prep, bad ass, slut)?
- I don't think I had any reputation. People who even knew my name probably saw me as the quiet artsy cheerleader who was somewhat friendly but somewhat anti-social. Or they mistook me for one of my two sisters.

Have you ever been called a slut to your face?
- Of course.. but always with love!

Have you ever been in a car accident?
- nothing major, fish-tailing here and there.. hit a tree once.. a parked car..

Have you ever wished you were someone else?
- when I was younger and going through all that lovely, "I hate myself" stuff. It was never "I wish I was So and So.." or of.. " I wish I looked like So and So"

Are you adopted?
- Nope.. and there was never any doubt.. undeniable family resemblance.

Do you wish you were?
- Nah... She had her moments, but my Mother is a wonderful one. Dad's come around!

Have you ever cheated on someone?
- I would have to say a big NO to that one... although I had friends once lie to my boyfriend and tell him that I was cheating... Flirting is NOT cheating. (Jim, pretend you didn't read that.. flirting is bad!!) Unless making out with a female friend with my boyfriend in the room is cheating.. then yeah.

Do you regret it?
- I felt bad that Anthony for some length of time believe I cheated. And the best-friend make out session... I felt bad about that and got all emotional cause I was drunk and thought I embarrassed and upset Jim. So I regret having gotten so drunk that I couldn't control my behavior and put myself in a jeopardizing situation.

How many times have you been in love?
- I've told 4 people (non-family) that I loved them. I meant it each time, but always realized afterwards that I meant it in different ways. So I'm not totally sure how many times I've REALLY been in love.. I'll have to say... once.

Do you believe in a higher power?
- yes

Have you ever wanted to physically hurt someone?
- Oh yes... oh my God YES! Never actually have though.. just myself! haha

Have you ever physically hurt someone?
- Not yet... but my temper seems to be more easily fused by the day, so watch out!!

Do you take drugs?
- I have in the past.. haven't in a long time, unless we're talking about headache meds.. thoses I every day just about!!

Do you drink?
- Occassionally

What is your favorite alcoholic beverage?
- Malibu Bay Breeze, Vodka-Cran and Sprite, favorite shots: Buttery Nipples and Dirty Girlscouts!

Have you ever thrown up from drinking to much?
- Umm.. yeah! Not proud though..

If so...was someone there to hold your hair?
- On a few of the not so pleasant occasions. I believe Jaime and Jim were the ones with the pleasure!

How did your last relationship end?
- I called to discuss some concerns I was having, and ended up getting dumped!! Apparently he didn't see the relationship going anywhere... HORSESHIT!! Haha.. just kidding Kevin! No hard feelings..Everything happens for a reason.

What is the one thing you absolutely NEED in a partner?
- Oh my.. One thing?? I'm gonna have to go with Charles on this one and say-- Honesty.

Are you affectionate with your partner in public?
- Yes, but in a polite way.. holding hands, little kiss before departing.. no hardcore making out on the corner. Ok, somtimes I grab his ass.. but that's not rude right?!

What is your favorite sport?
- To play? umm.. swimming! I'd play volley ball, tennis, baseball,.. I'm no good but it's fun to just play, as long as there are no bullys shouting at me for sucking! Is kick ball a sport?

What is your biggest fear?
- dying alone, sharks, bugs, men! lol

Would you die for anyone?
- would it be heartless and mean I don't love the person if I say No! Just kidding.. I would.. especially once I have kids.. I'd totally die for my kids.

If you could have one small thing right now...what would it be?
- more sleep

If you could have one big thing right now...what would it be?
- More money, No.. more talent to make it easier to make more money.

Do you have siblings?
- I do

Are you sociable?
- Depends on the mood, the setting, new people, people I've know... so.... sometimes.

Do you make friends easily?
- I think I'm easy to get along with, which helps in making new friends. Yes then?

How far would you go to protect the people you care about?
- I just said I would DIE for them!! Jesus.. pay attention.

Are you pregnant?
- HA... NOOOOOoOOOOO... at least I don't think so.

Do you have children?
- only in the future.

If so...how many?
- one day I would like 2-3

What is (are) the name(s) of your child(ren)?
- haven't decided yet.. if things go well with Jim and I it appears that my first born son will be James IV.. so I'm gonna try for all girls!! Haha... just kidding dear!

Do you look more like your mother or your father?
- I'm totally my mom's daughter..good and bad.. I think the only thing I inherited from my Dad was my hair.. Thank god for that!

What are your plans for tomorrow?
- sleeping in, meeting with the Electrician, rearranging my room, painting maybe, seeing Jim for a bit maybe, that's about it so far.

Who is your biggest fan?
- I don't know if I have any fans.. If I do.. Jim better be one of them, considering I have sex with him... I'll say that my biggest fans have me in their TOP 8-12-24.30303044 on Myspace!

In the Name of Love

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 17:26:26 GMT

I need to take a break from copying and pasting, so here I am.

I haven't used Livejournal in a while.. now that Myspace rules the world.

Not really much going on to write about. Same old stuff for the most part. Job is going. I'm happy with things for the most part. Money seems to be getting tight.. when is it not though. Just sucks now cause loans are overwhelming. Just sent out almost $300.00 just for 2 of them. I've consolidated all that I can.. and I still have like 4 different bills coming in just in loans. Ugh..

I had to have some blood drained from my arm today, just to check on some things. Reminded me though of this place on Broad st. that gives you $20.00 for a donation. I should do that as often as possible! My arm still aches...

I'm so sleepy. Damn PMS.. gets me every time. My eye lids feel like they weigh 10 pounds. My brain would not settle down last night, which made it difficult to fall asleep. That doesn't help me now with this drowsiness.

My stomach feels like ass.

Dennis and Jen are engaged. That's great news for them, and I'm happy that they are both happy! The wedding isn't planned on taken place until May 2008. Which is good.. no need to rush. Rushing anything only leads to problems down the road. Best of luck to them..

I worked on my two paintings last night. One of them could have been finished, but I'm not happy with how her wings came out.. so I have to try and fix that. They other I'm not really please with either.. but it's less than half way done, so hopefully it will improve as I go along.

This day has slowed down rapidly.

I got some dinner last night with Kevin. It was good to see him. I miss just hanging out with him. It's good to be at a place now where it's not awkward for either us to see eachother. Atleast I don't think it's awkward for him. I don't think he's thrilled still to hear about Jim.. but hey.. that's something he'll have to get over on his own. Besides.. it's not like I'm sharing intimate details or anything. I could! But I don't!!

I was able to meet up with Jim in Blairstown this passed weekend. I'm happy about that. We went to a party at his friend's house. That was alot of fun. I got to meet alot of people that he grew up with. Everyone was cool too. I didn't feel like a total out cast. They were good people. He hangs with a good crowd!! I hope they gave Jim their approval of me! That's me.. gotta be liked by all...

That's it for now

Anything to Procrastinate

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 13:54:33 GMT

Ahh.. Monday morning... how I would so much rather be sleeping...

I really shouldn't complain though. On average, I total about 2-3 hours of actual work here, and get paid for 8. All that inbetween time.. I'm either writing in online journals, talking on aol or playing in photoshop and illustrator. I'm actually pretty lucky when that's taken into consideration. I just wish I had more of my own work to work on. I keep trying to give myself little false assignments, things to do on my own to add to my portfolio. I need some non-school projects in there. But I have a hard time just pulling it out of my ass. I mean, I can list a shit load of things I could do.. but nothing specific. Like.. I could do cd designs, menus, brochures, magazine ads, posters, package design.. and so on.. but for who, for what?! Someone give me an assignment!

I had a really good weekend. Friday Steph, Devaney and I got some good food and bowled. Saturday we spend the afternoon cleaning the entire house, then celebrated with a movie. A small group of us saw Clerks 2.. very funny.. if you enjoy mindless humor! Then Jim, Rob, Laura, Luke and I got drunk at Jim and Luke's place. So drunk that we decided we wanted to play Twister. When we realized that they didn't own a board.. we made one using their floor tiles, Scoth tape and colored markers. Watched some porn and saw some massive tits. We ended the evening around 5am. I would have slept all damn day if Devaney hadn't called at like 2:30pm. Sunday I spend more money on much needed groceries and did some laundry. That concluded my weekend. Hopefully I'll have some pictures from Saturday night soon to share with the world!

Over all, things are continuing to go well for me in all aspects of my life. As bored as I can be at my job.. I have it pretty good here. (at least until they realize that they don't need me as much as they thought they did, and fire my non-busy ass) Jim and I are great. I'm very happy with him! The house is good, cats are... well they're alive. We have to keep them in the basement now at all times unless someone is home. One or both of them decided the couch would be their new litter box. Getting more exciting by the day for our Luau... gotta start decorating!!

There are a few downers.. people moving. Mikey, Marcus and Kevin are all moving. Mikey I hardly ever really see anyway.. but still. Philly will be strange without the 3 of them in it. My relationship with Kevin won't change much from what it is now. He still doesn't want to see me, so we'll still have text messages and IM's. But still.. Virginia is far. But not as far as Vegas.. which is where Marcus tells me he's going. He was suppose to stay in Philly, but I guess that fell through. I don't see him enough as it is.. and now he's moving on the opposite freaking coast!! Why does everyone want to leave?!?! :( Phily won't seem the same without them.. my first real friends in this city... and they're leaving. Makes me sad.

But people, have to do what is best for them. Growing up and moving on. I wish the best for all of them.

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 13:50:38 GMT

Ugh, monday mornings.

Looking forward to going home this weekend. I'm in another menstral funk. For the first time ever (and probably last time) I'm looking forward to going to the gyno! I'm gonna ask to be put back on Yasimin. It's suppose to help with mood swings. I can handle being irritable.. but this depression stuff is something I really don't want to have to deal with. I hate it. I hate myself when I get that way, this way.

And unfortunately Jim gets the brunt of my psychotic behavior. I try really hard not to unleash it on him. For the most part, I'm pretty good about. Even if it doesn't seem like it to him.. I am. If I totally unleashed it.. wow.. there'd probably be a jim shaped hole in my door! I think he understands though.. that it's not really me in a way.. atleast that's how I feel. It's as though I'm trapped in my own body, but someone else has the control. I know that what I feel is irrational.. but I can't help it. And I despise it. Hence the need to get back on medication that should help it. Cause it's only this way when I'm on my.. you know. So even though it's only a day or two out of the month.. I absolutely don't want to live that way.

Jim is on summer break for 3 weeks. So he is up in Blairstown and I miss him. Going home for the weekend should break the time apart up a little. Gives me something to look forward to.. wait, I already said that. oh well!

I've been drawing alot more. I finshed a charcoal piece that is for my Dad. It's not the greatest thing I've done.. but I think it looks pretty good. And I know he'll love it. It might even bring out a tear!

I'm itching for more tattoos. I plan to add on to my ankel. And I have a design all ready to add on to my butterfly. I was hoping to get it done this weekend.. but Josh is on tour. So, if I can remain patient.. I'll wait till the next trip after this one.. otherwise.. I'll find another shop!! I get impulsive like that sometimes. Good thing though about waiting to get a tattoo.. is that it gives you more time to know for sure if it's something you really want.

So like I've said multiple times already in this lovely blog.. I'm going home thursday night. Calling out for the first time on Friday. Funny thing though.. I still need a way back on Sunday. I always forget that part! Worst comes to worst.. there's always the bus!

I feel like my head is wrapped in a fog today. Saturday when I felt this way, I thought it was just part of my hangover.. apparently not. And I know I haven't eaten anything latley that I shouldn't have.. so I guess I can only blame it on menstration again!

Friday night Steph, Kevin and I went to Rob and Lisa's. I got wasted.. unplanned. Ended up vomitting a few times and crashing at their place, cause I couldn't risk the car ride home.

It made me realize even more that I need to learn when enough is enough.. when to stop myself.. before it's too late. I don't like ending the night with my head in a toilet, or having to ask people what I did that night, if I did anything that would get my in trouble, or horribly embarrass myself.

Time for some changes...

Applied Science

Thu, 08 Jun 2006 14:21:01 GMT

Ugh.

At work, again, unfortunately. But tomorrow is Friday so that shines a little bit of light on this day. I'm just really tired, for no reason other than- waking up early blows! But my boss isn't here yet, so I'm taking advantage. I only have more freakin updating to do anyway.. for the time being.

I bought myself a little present.. a full size bed. yay! I can't wait for it to get here. It is beautiful and soft and wonderful and I can' wait till it's in my room and I can sleep in it. Then it will be even more difficult to get out of bed in the morning! I think the new bed is the most exciting thing going on for me at the moment.

For a little bit there my hopes were up about moving into the master bedroom.. now it looks like that may not happen. Which would be fine if the alternative works out. I would have liked it only really to utilize the space. I would have put the futon in there with my tv and stuff. My room now is wall to wall with stuff. But.. if things work out, then we will have the guest room back again. So either way... my room will once again be not as crowded. At the moment though, it is. I can't even shut my freakin closet door. It's stupid but irritating!

I feel down today for some reason. probably a combination of fatigue, work and rainy, crappy days.

God I need a hair cut.

I'm coming home again the last weekend in June. That's something to look forward to. Even though Stryfe's party is canceled, it is always good to see everyone that I miss.

hmm... what else is on my mind.

It seems like I have nothing to write about when things are going well! Nothing for me to bitch about.

Jim and I are really good. Things are going very well with us... at least I think so!

Kevin and I got together not too long ago.. the first time in a few months. it was great to see him, and a little hard too. I miss him. I miss talkng to him, hanging out with him. He was my first real friend here in Philly. He kept me sane in alot of ways. And now that he's not a constant in my life anymore there is a part of me that feels, empty. I wish things could be the way they were.. before we took the risk as a couple. It's unfortunate the way things worked out. Losing the friendship was a huge factor in why I was so hesitant to take that next step. I don't know why I'm even writing about this again.. I'm sure I'm just repeating myself. Just on my mind I guess.

It's just.. confusing, or something.. he's the one to dumps me, says he's not falling in love, that he doesn't think I could make him happy. To now.. saying that he can't see me until he's over me and what not. It's just sending my brain through a whirl wind! I'm happy with Jim. but it hurts knowing that Kevin isn't happy. I feel guilty. I don't know. He needs to make himself happy before he even tries being happy with anyone else. I just miss being a part of his life, and him being a pary of mine.

So Jim graduates in September and is still unsure of what his plans are for afterwards. Now, I've said it before, that this is the first time that I'm really taking a relationship one day at a time, letting things happen as they happen.. and not anaylizing. Now.. that doesn;t mean that i dont still think about things. I just don't let my thinking take over and make me obsessive. I mean, of course I wonder what is going to happen once Jim graduates. What if he doesn't stay in Philly and all that crap. I wonder about it, yes.. but I'm not letting it make me crazy. We'll see what happens when we get there.......

Who knows where life will take me. I plan on staying at this job for atleast a year. After that.. anything is possible, as well as any place. I like Philly and all.. I like where we are living now. But, if I found the right job.. I'd move. I don't even know what the right job is yet, so this is all just thoughts, nothing put in motion yet! Who knows what will happen, but all options are open.

I've been at work for 2 hours already, I guess it's time to start some work!

Day Light Savings..

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 15:58:56 GMT

I'm so happy that it's starting to get nice out. Warmth makes me feel good! I hope it's here to stay, and doesn't get suddenly cold for 3 days or something. Now that it is nice out, I MUST start runnning again. I plan to do that today, after I write a little something here. This is my way of procrastinating!

I'm happy with my new apartment. Wish it was a little more sound-proof. Considering my light sleepingness, nowhere will probably ever be sound-proof enough for me. I just need to invest in good ear plugs. But otherwise it's gorgeous, it's big and in a nice neighborhood.

I'm happy with my new job. So far it's real esay. I don't do much yet besides copy new info into old documents. Kinda boring.. but I hear it will get alot busier in the next few months, with school being out and what not. So hopefully I'll be able to keep it together when that happens. I'm really not worried.

I'm happy with Jim. In the beginning I really wasn't sure what I was getting into. But things have been going really well. We're only a month in, but so far, so good. It's nice to just let go, and let things happen on their own.. to enjoy the now. I haven't over-analized, or analized this relationship at all really.. which takes alot of pressure off. It's very stress free. Which is something I needed, something everyone needs.

I very much hate jealousy though. It's the worst emotion. There is nothing at all good about jealousy. It just messes things up. Unfortunately I still have my little trust issues. I'm sure I always will. Also unfortunately, when someone wrongs me once, I think it's possible that the next person will too. In reality it is possible. I just need to learn to trust. I can't make current boyfriends pay for ex's mistakes. I'm getting better. However.. I will never trust ex-girlfriends who are apparently still hung up on ex-boyfriends. Girls are sneaky little bitches who can be very relentless when it comes to a guy they want!

I've been kinda moody or something this passed week, for no real reason. (No I'm not PMSing) Just stupid things seem to be getting on my nerves. I'm also going through another "I hate the way I look" phase. I can't seem to break this stupid cycle.

I might possibly be coming home for Easter.. if I can get a ride there and back. I really dont want to spend almost $40.00 on a bus ticket. If I don't get a ride home, I'll be going home with Jim and having dinner with his parents. Right now I'm leaning towards that decision. I don't know when I'd get another chance to meet them, not for a while anyway. We'll see what happens, I'll talk to some people.

I'm definitely coming home Mother's Day weekend. That Saturday my momma wants to have a big bbq of mine and katie's friends, and family. Katie's leaving for Spain shortly after that, and we'll also be celebrating my college graduation. I'm looking forward to that.

I still miss everyone from home. It's strange. Almost 3 years ago I couldn't believe I was moving away. I couldn't really imagine myself making a life out here. For a long time, I didnt. Now, Philly is home. Not forever, but for now.. it's home.

Wow, the day is flying by.. it's already noon! Feels like I've been awake longer then an hour! Ok.. enough procrastination. I always tell people not to complain if they're not trying to better something. I can't complain about the way I look, if I'm not trying to chage that.. so here I go....

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 01:55:29 GMT

I wish I was feeling one way or the other. One day I'm fine and smiling, the next I'm down and feeling shitty. I can't handle this mood-swing bull. If I'm gonna be depressed, I'd rather just be depressed.. not up and down. I have a variety of head aches constantly. At the moment, I don't feel like doing a damn thing, then I feel like crap for being lazy. I can't win with myself! We're suppose to start moving tomorrow, and right now I lack the energy and don't care enough to get excited about it. My thoughts are on a non-stop rampage of all sorts of things. They won't slow down enough to let me stay focused on anything. Some of it, I don't want to focus on, so I guess its good and bad. My head is just all over the place. I don't even know what the point of this entry is. usually writing helps me clear my mind.. I guess I'm not really saying what's consuming my thoughts, cause I don't really want to get into it, not with myself even. I think what it really comes down to at the moment is that I need to start making some definite changes in my life, and in myself to feel better.

bored, again

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 04:09:07 GMT

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner.

Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare.

You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie.

Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you.

For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

What's Your Love Style?

dreams

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 04:16:34 GMT

so in my dream last night, i was involved in a group that was meant to assasinate some politcal guy that was kidnapping kids and killing them or something. I stabbed him, in a library or a store of some kind. I stabbed him in the heart with a carrot peeler. Afterwards, while running from a swarm of people who wanted to arrest me, I bumped into the leader of the group. He asked me why I didn't reveal myself on the news, as previously planned. (whoever killed this man was suppose to expose him and sacrafice themself.) I told him the news crew didn't stop me, but I was really just afraid of being caught. Somewhere in all the running, people turned into vampires and a bunch of us were hunting and running from them. I chopped off Dave Dzambo's head with hedge clippers cause he attacked me. (he was a vampire.) Gus was the head of the Un-dead! Sara was one of them as well. They cornered me and instead of being killed, I begged to be turned into a vampire. Sara tried to turn me, and it was taking too long. (they told me it would take about 15 mins.) Gus lived in a giant tree house. (this all took place in my old neighborhood, Gus's treehouse was on my front lawn. I killed Dave on the side of my house.) While I was waiting to turn, I just played along so they wouldn't kill me. I watched them kill some girl. I think they stabbed her eyes out.

Pleasant dream.what does it all mean!?

Killing- to dream of killing someone, intentional or not, signifies a period of severe emotional stress during which one must make a heroic effort to control their temper. to witness killing portends to a change wich will not be entirely to your liking.

Blood- be prepared for a period of hard work agaisnt hostile forces if you saw blood in a dream. if you were bleeding, try to avoid any sort of controversy with friends or relatives.

Vampires- a vampire featured in a dream is a symbol of anxiety and sharp emotional conflict. it is likely that this dream relates to some ambition which you subconsiously feel is immoral or unethical. (talk it over with a competent friend or advisor.)

Run- a dream of running suggests that you are involved in a situation (or obligation) from which you would like to escape (talk with a friend or advisor before the resentment has serious repercussions.)

Fear- (varies according to detail)in general; if fear persists throughout dream you should expect to have to cope with problems arising from the deceit or dishonesty of someone you trusted.

This is all surprisingly accurate considering my given "Kevin" situation. Especially after two very emotional and bad conversations. I ended our last talk by telling him not to talk to me for a while. I hate this part. I wish it was a few months from now. I'm so exhausted and emotionally drained.

Acoustic #3

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 02:50:04 GMT

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
'Cause she's got nowhere to go

And she wonders where these dreams go
'Cause the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying
Nothing changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But your falling anyway

And you know I see right through you
'Cause the world gets in your way
What's the point in all the screaming
You're not listening anyway

One day at a Time..

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 08:13:30 GMT

So I'm getting better with this Kevin thing.

The other night, Friday, i went with Marcus to the boy's new apartment, not knowing for sure if Kevn would be there or not. I brought with me his Gap bag that I borrowed, and the gifts I bought for him prior to our breakup. At first I didn't think he was home, until we walked upstairs, and were greeting by laughture of his and a girls. Katrina walks out of the room, shortly followed by Kevin. I gave a small wave, and he gave me a hug. I was saved a few minutes later by a phone call. I couldn't have stayed in that room much longer without losing it.

No matter what you're told, when you see your very recent ex hanging out with a girl, you jump to the conclusion that they're interested. In this case.. I was right. After 22 years of my gut being right 99% of the time, you'd think I'd start to listen to it!

So he lied when he told me that he wasn't breaking up with me for reasons, other than just not having feelings for me anymore.. and he lied Friday night when he said nothing was going on between them. Even if nothing phsyical has happened, yet, doesnt mean nothing is going on. He likes her, she likes him.. to me that's someting. So naturally, I was upset.. being drunk didn't help. So an hour after the ball dropped on New Year's Eve.. I was in tears. Happy Fucking New Year!

I can handle being dumped. I know how to get over an ex. I know how to be single. What I don't know.. is how to get over losing my best friend. That's my real problem with this situation. If Kevin was just some other guy that I had met and tried a relationship with, it wouldn't be as hard. It hurts being dumped by the one guy that tried so hard, for so long, to be with me. It hurts being told they felt pressured into it, and that by the time I was finally ready and able, he "didn't want to try anymore." It hurts finding out that he's liked this other girl since he's met her, years ago, and never thought anything would come of it. So once again.. I feel like second choice.

Side note.. I don't understand peolpe having feelings for more than one person at a time. I've never had feelings for multiple people. It seems that, if you can like more than one person, at the same time, then can your feelings for either person really be that strong? Having a crush on this or that person is one thing.. but to truely like and want to be with someone.. shouldnt you only feel that way for one person!? Maybe it's just me..

Normally if I was trying to get over an ex that just dumped me.. I'd tell myself all sorts of things to keep me from wanting to cry over them. Things like.. "he's just an ass," "our interests clash." "he snores." Anything.. I'd remind myself of all and any negative or annoying thing about that person. I'd wish for them to see my face every time they kissed another girl. I'd want for them to see my face and remember me everytime she went down on him, and fucked him. In this case.. I still want for him to remember me during all the sexual stuff!! But.. It hurts me to think anything negative about Kevin because, like I said before.. the best friend thing, the being more than just some guy I took a risk on thing.

But, I am getting better.. atleast I think so. This afternoon, I teared up a little bit just thinking about it all. But now,thinking about it.. I'm ok..no tears.

I really do want for Kevin and I to get back to where we were. I don't know how likely that is. Yes, we will talk about, and be friends. I will get to a point where it won't hurt me to see him. It will take time, but I will get there.. I always do. But, unfortunately, because of the way Kevin handled the situation, and because he lied to me, I will see him a little differently.

Kevin thinks that it upset me to see Katrina there.. and it did.. but it hurt to see him too, and it will for a little while.

Funny.. once Kevin got upset cause I never mentioned him in my entries..he thought it showed that I didnt care or something.. now he's the majority of my entries..

Knowing for sure now that Kevin has had feelings for another girl explains and helps me understand his actions and reasonings behind breaking up with me. The relationship was gonna suffer even if he didn't lose interest. He moved, we're moving.. we never saw eachother as it was. Then again, that would be because he "had a bad attitude about the relationship." He's into things that I don't really care for. It's better this way in the long run.

I hate to say it, but I almost wish that I never gave it a chance. I was afraid of this from the beginning, and it was a large part of why I didn't take the risk long ago. I didn't want to risk messing up an amazing friendship. And now we have, and it doesn't seem that it was worth it. Kevin treated me better when we were just friends, and that's alot of why I will see him differently.

He never had a problem being honest with me before. Why does that have to change because I was his girlfriend? If someone knows that they are going to be hurting someone in some way, do they really think that prolonging the telling them part is going to make it hurt less?!? It doesn't. In fact, it is quite the opposite.. it hurts more!! Heres a little lesson boys and girls... The longer to take to tell a person bad news, the more it will hurt them in the end. i thought Kevin was smarter than that. I know he didn't wnat to hurt me. But when you're telling someone that you don't have feelings for them anymore,..no matter what, it's gonna hurt.

If he had come to me when he first realized how he felt, and said "Jen, I really don't think this is what I want right now. Let's take a step back, put things on hold, so I can figure out what I want." I would have been upset.. but atleast I would have understood and respected him for being honest.

I guess there's no point in saying what should have been done.. what's done is done.. can't go back now. Now I need to move forward.. focus on me. Look for an apartment, a job, paint, meet some new people, enjoy myself. As selfish and cruel as it is, i want him to hurt because of this. I'm hurting still, so I want him to hurt when he thinks of how he treated me, how he lied to me, and how he made me feel. I guess that's a normal reaction right?!

Him not lving here anymore helps alot. I wouldn't be able to see him everynight, especially if Katrina would be hanging out. I wouldn't handle that well. Out of sight, out of mind.. right? Just gotta keep busy..

New Year's Eve I thought to myself.. "I want to give up drinking." I think I'm gonna try that. And tomorrow, I plan to go for my first jog in a few months. I NEED to get back to my old routine. I've gained weight. I hate it. I feel disgusting. Matt and I are gonna lose weight together.. and give each other some amount of money for each pound lost!! We're discussing it now.

So 2006 is off to a negative start, but with lots of potential for great things. New apartment, new "real" job.. new life.

Christmas Blues

Mon, 26 Dec 2005 04:28:29 GMT

Merry Christmas everyone!

Christmas Eve we went to New York state to see some family that we don't usually see. Good food, good company, good times.

Christmas mornings just aren't what they used to be. Growing up is no fun! But I got some good stuff so far. I'm most excited about my new easle. Now I just need some canvas and oils to go with it, oh, and a stool!

I went with Katie and Kathryn to see Nick up at the rehabilitaion center. We came at a good time, some of his family had just left, and we arrived just in time for him not to be alone. As much as you prepare yourself, it's never enough. He looked good over all. Certain words you could make out, sometimes you had to get really close to understand what he was trying to say. He was happy to see us. Speaking was exhausted for him, so we did most of the talking.

Hospitals in general tent to make me uncomfortable. It's hard enough to see anyone in a hospital bed. I had to hold back tears a few times, thinking of the life Nick was now living. He layed flat on the bed, head slightly cocked to the left side, neck brace on, breathing tube in place, the steady inhale and exhale of the machine beside his bed.Kathryn was great, feeding him small bits of a brownie, helping him sip his milk. His arms were propped up on pillows.

I stood there thinking about how his arms and legs will never work again, not very likely anyway, about how someone will have to wash his hair, body and teeth for the rest of his life, shave him, feed him. I felt incredibly sorry for him. I don't know how he can even smile right now. I guess that says alot about his spirit. I'm sure his friends and family coming mostly everyday is helping keep him strong and positive.

i'm hoping that alot of people come out to help him at the benefit. It's Wednesday night. Friends or not, I hope people just want to help someone out. I've lost alot of faith in people in the past few years, maybe Wednesday some of that will be restored.

Speaking of which.. I thought I was doing really well with this Kevin thing. I hadn't called to text him in a couple days. He actually checked in with me first. But then, yesterday I called to wish him a Merry Christmas and a safe flight. Hearing his vioce, and actually talking to him made me tear up. I didn't expect it. So I guess I'm not doing as well as I originally thought. His birthday is coming up, and a bunch of people are going out to celebrate, but I'm not gonna be able to go. I won't be able to hang out with him and his friends, and be ok, be normal. I won't enjoy myself, it will only depress me.

I want to be able to able to be ok with him again, I'm not talking about being a couple again.. I'm talking about being friends the way we were. But it won't happen for a while yet.

I believe that most things happen for reasons. If Kevin hadn't said something when he did, it would have ended another time. He's moving, we're moving. Maybe our timing is, was off.. or maybe Kevin and I just weren't ment for more than friendship.

I just graduated, I have things I need to catch up on. I have a real job to find, as well as a new apartment. I can do anything I want from this point on! It's time to concentrate on myself. Once again, I need to work on making me happy.

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 18:50:35 GMT

I had one of the most bizarre dreams I've had in a long time.

The first 5 seconds was stupid. I was home, in my bed, and Noah (my now dead cat) came into the room and crawled around, found my notebook, in which I was writing a story, and proceeded to pee on it. I tried rubbing his nose in it, and I think i ended up crying over it.

But.. for the real weird stuff...

I don't know exactly where it began. But everyone was basically a Zombie, only they didnt look terribly different. So it was hard to tell who was undead and who wasnt. I guess you had to interact with anyone for a moment to figure who was and who wasnt, you had to do or say certain things to see how they would react. I carried a knife with me, and would stab anyone who was even a possibility. I remember at one point coming up on Kevin, and I couldn't tell. With my knife, I cut off some of his hair, and because he had no reaction to it, I decided that he was a zombie. But I couldn't stab him. At one point a lost my knife, and asked a Zombie where they kitchen was so I could get another one! He told me, and I found this rediculously sharp knife with some kind of forkish end. It was pretty graphic for a dream.. I was cutting throats and shit.

At one point most of the town, the peolpe who werent effected, were at a lake, in the water. I guess we were trying to sail away or something. There was this zombie that I kept making eye contact with, but he never tried to attack me. Some zombies got to the lake and people started panicing. I looked over at the zombie, and he had a gun in his mouth like he was gonna kill himself, but didnt. He somehow gave the gun to me, to use to protect myself. ACross the street from the lake I saw some people who accidently found some kind of hidden passage ways. I decided that it would be safer over there, so I followed. It was some kind of underground house, egyptian styled. the few of us that were there, watched from a window as the zombies basically took over and destroyed anyone that was still inthe water.

Then somehow, I guess we found some way of transporting out of the hidden place. Cause all of a sudden, we were at a carnival, all dressed midevil style. And i dont know if they were zombies, but some "people" were chasing us. I tried to shot one of them, then realized the gun was out of bullets.. stupid zombie, thanks for nothing! We ran back to where we came from, where back in the hidden apartment. And it was as if nothing had happened. It went from being dark, greenish and dead looking, bodies in the water.. to a beautiful sunny day, crystal clear water and birds in the sky. But we were all still to afraid to leave the hidden place.

Thats where it basically ended. Does anyone have any idea what that means!? I left my dream book in Philly!

Graduation

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 06:38:41 GMT

So I graduate in a about 12 hours. I should be sleeping. I'm really not tired. I'm anxious. And upset, for unrelated reasons. And my legs ache for some reason.

I'm glad that all the stress that this school has brought me will finally be coming to an end. One less dark cloud.

Tomorrow morning,(this morning) at 9:30-11:30 the graduates have to present our portfolios in an exhibit for industry professionaly to observe. I am fully prepared for my stack of resumes and business cards to to remain as they are, untouched. I'm not being modest. There are far better designers that will be standing among me. The way I feel now, I don't even care. I'm sure the actuality of it will be different. I'm bringing a small photo album of some of my fine art along with me. I would be happy to receive some positive comments on those works of art. I could be totally shocked and run out of resumes.. who knows. In this feild one person could hate your work, and to another, you could be exactly what they were looking for. I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

I've told myself, my friends, my family that I am unsure of this profession, unsure that it's really what I want to be doing with the rest of my life. I've said "I'd rather be a good artist and an ok designer." But sometimes I wonder if I'm rejecting the profession, before it rejects me. If I tell myself it's not what I want to do, then it won't suck as much to hear that I'm no good at it. Better to be uninterested in the field then to fail at it.

I'm going to look for a job, even an externship. But my real plan is to paint. I just want to catch up on all the work I couldn't do while I was in school. I really want to look into getting an exhibit set up at a gallery. I want to look into that, see what needs to be done.

The thought of opening my own art shop excites me. I picture myself selling supplies, hanging some art work for show, giving art lessons in the back. After school hours would be arts and crafts for kids, later hours could be different level lessons for and older audience. I think something like that would make me happy. Going back to school for teaching is still an option. But right now.. starting school again seems completely unrealistic. I need a break, more then Christmas vacation.

I'm going home after a celebration dinner with the family and friends. I'll be home till the 30th.

The 28th is the Benefit concert for Nick. Ballroom at Shawnee Inn, 7pm-midnight. $10.00 donation at the door, door prizes, raffles, live bands. i hope so see all my friends there, helping out, supporting a suffering 20yr and his mother. they will need as much help as they can get. not only for his surgeries, but for the construction that will need to be done on their house, to accomidate his new life once he's home again. For those who I haven't told, he's paralized from the neck down, and may not regain use of his vocal cords. If this condition sounds familiar.. it is, does Christopher Reeves ring a bell?? Not good at all. for anyone who can't make the banquet, but still wants to help.. I'll be collecting donations.

I guess with that said, I'm off to attempt sleep.

Wish me luck.